Institutionalized pain and pleasure (Diary Quick write)

You might wonder why I am writing such a complete opposite disposition of my own beliefs; imagine someone studying to become a psychiatrist is against psychiatry. Then why is he doing it? I wonder that to myself as well. I have such a weird interest in the processes of human to everything in everything we encounter, from the most implausible imaginary like extreme traumatic situations to the simplest. Yet, I also wonder how I, myself, became susceptible to the idea of understanding this in itself. Well, thinking about this, I have become extremely aware that it was due to every event till the lead-up encounter of a person I met through an app. An app designed to legitimize pleasure as a comedy. Lacan thought anything comedic in the perversive eye is a tragedy. And it was. This whole realization that I am confessing what I desired had translated into everything I was scared of. The realization that that moment was a confession to put me in a box, realizations of categorization of myself to myself. I automatically began doing the work myself for the institution, or was it designed to be that way? It felt like I was confessing to a priest, or a therapist. Someone to who, unconsciously, I thought they can free me. This realization that I, in a simple moment, fell and crashed my head and found my life in balance in complete fall out, in an instant, to someone who was completely conscious in a different mind than I was. What a tragedy. A conscious tragedy. I am not against love, for I actually am for love. But this one became a sign that it was not just love; it was an ideology of a system that inversed in ambiguity a falsehood cloak that itself is true love. And that is scary. Aristotle had thought to put in simplest forms that, I don't know and I don't care, was the end of civilization but minimizing a word in itself that Arendt, in Amor Mundi (The love of the world), would describe as a constant decision one must make to love the world could be the word that is used towards emancipation of the end of civilization, is delegitimized systemically? I say it is not just the end of civilization but might be that we are heading towards the end of everything in everything.

The name was Jae